Nothing to Do, Except to Remember the Gospel.

Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices.
You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. - John 16:20

On November 17th of this year, I lost my beloved Mother. I was so ill-prepared for the rush of emotions that I have been feeling. And though I have lost two incredible, irreplaceable dogs, who's bonds were so tight that my heart was shredded the days they died, the experience still left me lacking to deal with this death. I assure you their mention is not silly. I felt real pain from the losses, but my point is ~ that my shredded heart does not even cast a shadow compared to the grief of losing my mommy.  

Do you find it odd that I speak of dogs? Truly it is not odd at all, but fitting. The love and protectiveness of my loyal K-9's, creatures that were made to help mankind, will never exceed the protective nature of a loving mother. No one will ever encourage, praise, support or love me like my mother did.  No one will ever be fully on my side like my mother was. I have lost the one earthly person, that should things ever go terribly wrong, I could run to. And the one earthly person who gave me unconditional love. 

What I find odd is how I have become afraid of the dark. It is totally irrational. I cannot seem to process why this is so. But it helps that even though I find this feeling to be completely aberrant, Others give testimony to its normalcy. 

Finding my mother dead on her bedroom floor, will I think, be an image forever seared into my brain. It was not a gruesome image, but it is an overwhelmingly painful one. One that stamps that I can never again kiss her, brush her hair, pluck her eyebrows, cry to her, tease her, show my children's accomplishments to her, or buy her a Christmas gift. I cannot call her to tell her what I have gotten the kids for Christmas. I cannot tell her that my son needs undershirts, and know she'll pick him up a pack. I cannot, for as long as I live, ever tell her anything ever again. 

The woman who birthed me, nursed me, rocked me, read books to me, bathed me, brushed my hair, kissed my boo-boos, the woman who sat and worried about me, who sacrificed her wants and needs, her sleep, her time, her whole self so that I was well nurtured and felt loved ~ The woman that I did not fully appreciate until I had children of my own is gone. But the world didn't stop spinning, although I thought it should have, and I had to keep on - not because I am strong, I am weak...but because I have small children that need me, children who too are grieving. 

"Nothing I read about grief seemed to exactly express the craziness of it;
which was the interesting aspect of it to me -
how really tenuous our sanity is."
~ Joan Didion

So, I am trying to make Christmas "normal", "happy" and "fun" for my kids. In a shallow attempt, I put out decorations and commenced the season's "to do" list. But this year amongst the stress and the hustle and bustle somethings different...I did not start at the manger but have come to the foot of the cross, and though I have been here before, this time it is so much more beautiful. 

The comfort and graces of Christ exceeded my small and limited expectations.

And I just find myself replaying this song over and over again because I am amazed, and my gratitude, though overflowing is even more staggering in amazement because He suffered greatly knowing that I can and never will repay Him...that IS unconditional love.

Come and stand amazed, you people,

See how God is reconciled!

See his plans of love accomplished,

See his gift, this newborn child,

See the Word who now is mute,

See the mighty, weak and tender,

See how humankind received Him;

See the Sovereign without splendor, See the Fullness destitute.

Rules the wind by his commands.

See him wrapped in swaddling bands, Who as Lord of all creation See him lying in a manger

O Lord Jesus, God incarnate,

Without sign of reasoning; Word of God to flesh surrendered, He is wisdom's crown, our King.

Light of life, dispel my darkness,

Who assumed this humble form, Counsel me and let my wishes To your perfect will conform. Let your frailty strengthen me;

Let your death be life for me

Let your meekness give me boldness, Let your burden set me free;

O Emmanuel my savior, let your death be life for me.

 "When on the day the great I Am, the faithful and the true,

The Lamb who was for sinners slain Is making all things new"

"All glory be to Christ our king! All glory be to Christ!

His rule and reign will ever sing, All glory be to Christ!"

Songs:

Come and Stand Amazed The Modern Post - Lowborn King

All Glory Be To Christ by Kings Kaleidoscope